Funny Story · Yumbox

A Christmas Gift Request..

There are a lot of ways I feel unequipped to be a parent, but no more so than today.
My 4.5 year old crawled into my lap after school today. Snuggling on me, rubbing her cheeks on my leg. Then, she looks up at me with big doe eyes and says, “Mama, I want a toy vagina for Christmas.” (OKAY WHAT). My brain immediately kicks up a seizure inducing strobe light of red flags but I need to figure out why my preschooler wants a toy vagina. A TOY VAGINA.

So I ask her why she wants one with a thick coating of suspicion I cannot mask in my voice. She shrugs – “Because I can’t see my own vagina and I wanna know what they look like”, she says matter-of-factly.

Okay, I think. She’s interested in human anatomy. That’s cool. Not suspish at all. Reasonable and age appropriate. Maybe there is a female anatomical medical model or book I can get her.

“What colour of vagina toys are there, mommy?”, she asks.

PRO TIP. DON’T GOOGLE THIS. I hope I don’t die soon because whoever has to go thru my google search history will be sorry.

“I want a black one”, she says. I ask why, since she wanted a vagina toy that looks like hers so she can know what her own looks like. The only black thing about my daughter is the shadow from her pasty white ass when the sun hits her. She deadass looks at me with a stone cold stare and says, “I can’t even see mine, how am I supposed to know it’s not black?

What. The. Forking. Vagina. Monologues. Am. I. Gonna. Do?

This Bento: Yumbox Panino in Hollywood Pink

  • flower ham sandwich skewers
  • strawberries
  • cucumbers
  • cashews
  • babybel cheese
  • dill pickle spears
  • 2 baby bananas

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